4 Ways the Church Hurts Single Women
How many sermons have you heard on singleness and sexuality? Sadly, many churches fail to cover these topics in messages. Our singles are believing the lie that something is wrong with them for having sexual desires and curiosities. Can we free these women from shame and share the message that God created them as sexual beings? We need to talk about singleness and sexuality because our single members are asking questions like, “What do we do with our sexual desires?” If we don’t provide these answers, pornography could become their solution.
When the church views marriage as the ultimate goal, we are hurting everyone. We hurt the singles now and we hurt them again if they get married because they are entering marriage thinking that marriage is the solution. The real and lasting solution is Jesus. Yes, I’m married. And yes, I still have all the same issues I had when I was single. Marriage didn’t fix me. Marriage didn’t heal my addiction to masturbation and pornography, Jesus did. Marriage is not our highest calling, but rather following Jesus is our highest calling.
Let’s discuss Christian sexuality, because the Church has failed in this area. Instead of living in freedom, Christian women are hiding in shame. Instead of talking about sex, Christian women are putting their sexuality in a box under their beds.
Recently, I met one Christian woman in her thirties who shared that she had a box of lingerie tucked away under her bed. She shared that she’d been buying cute underwear and bras for years. Every sale, she added another to her collection. Hoping that one day, she would have a husband to share them with.
Her story left me questioning:
Will a husband fill her longing to be loved? What if she never gets married?
Desiring to feel loved and beautiful, I downloaded Tinder and uploaded my cutest selfie. Sick of being single and waiting on God’s perfect timing, I wanted to take things into my own hands. I wanted control over my dating life.
Impatient and not trusting God, I began the quest for a man. Swiping right if I found him attractive and left if he was too creepy, I was making every decision based on looks. During this season in college, I was a believer and truly loved God, but I lacked intimacy with Him.
Instead of growing in intimacy with God, I wanted instant intimacy.
I believed that instant intimacy was only found in the love of a man, so in that moment, when he swiped right too and we were a match, I felt desired. This feeling didn’t last. Instead of believing what God says is true about me, I believed I was unloved and ugly. Yet, I kept on swiping and searching for intimacy.
Have you ever sought out intimacy, yet remained unsatisfied? (more…)
As a 15 year old girl, I thought I loved him. He was the first boy I held hands with, my first kiss and my first boyfriend. As a high school girl, I dreamed of being together forever. Every night we would talk on the phone for hours, giggling about our days and never running out of things to talk about. He knew more about me than anyone else at that time, even to the point of being able to read my mind.
I was naive, but I was in love.
Yes, dating is amazing and fun. Yes I love it. But it’s not fully satisfying. We can’t live life hoping to find our satisfaction in our relationship status.
You’re single – you want to be dating. You’re dating – you want to be married. You’re married – you want kids. You have kids – you want more free time. You have free time – you want more to do.
Do you get what I’m saying?
I’ve met countless women in all stages of relationships and none have told me that the status she is in has left her fully satisfied. I have a married friend who has struggled with infertility. She tells me she often cries out to God in pain. Her husband tries to be there for her and comfort her, but she said his comfort is never enough. (more…)
“What if I lack patience and want a guy now?” asked a reader. Girl, I understand. I’m impatient. I don’t like waiting. I’m a planner and I have a beautiful plan for how I want my life to go. In my mind, this plan is perfect. We have to remember, our plans may not be God’s plans. We cannot let our marital status dominate our thinking and focus.
When our lives aren’t going according to our plans – we ask God, “Why won’t you do things our way for a change?” I thought I would find my husband in college and get married after graduation. God’s plans did not align with my plans. We expect God to love our plan even when we reject his. Have you rejected God’s plan and decided that your plan is better? (more…)
Meet Brenda Rodgers – a recovering single who wrote the eBook Fall for Him: 25 Challenges from a Recovering Single and blogs at Triple Braided Life. Brenda was single for longer than she expected, and it was the hardest time in her life. During those years she could not reconcile why God gave her the intense desire to be a wife and mother and yet those desires were not being fulfilled.
Now, her mission is to mentor young women for purposeful lives of faith. She writes about her personal relationship with Jesus, singleness, community, relationships, mentoring, and raising daughters. Today, Brenda hopes to share with you wisdom she learned from her years as a single woman with the hope that you will be well equipped to lead a life of peace and purpose.
Time for the Q&A!
Did you struggle with purity while you were single? If so, did it affect your marriage?
I sat with a friend as she cried and poured out her heart, “How can I believe that God loves me and will meet my needs? I’ve been single for years. I want to be loved, accepted and valued by a man.”
My friend is not alone in her thoughts. Many young women struggle with singleness and trusting God during this life stage. I believe the root heart issue to my friend’s questions is trust. My friend is not trusting God to meet her needs and satisfy her longings. My friend is not trusting that God’s love is enough. My friend is not trusting that God loves her, accepts her and values her, more than any human man ever will.
How often do you feel like my friend? For me, I know those thoughts seep into my heart and mind almost every day. I’ve discovered that spending time with God, in His word, is the answer to most of our problems, especially our trust issues. I realized that the days I struggle trusting God most are the days I don’t spend time with him.
Do you trust in God’s plan for your life? Do you spend time with God on a regular basis through reading the Bible or praying? (more…)
Single. A word that most women hate to hear next to their name. A word that is often filled with anger, sadness, and resentment. I know those feelings well. I’ve believed the lie that being single is not a gift from God, but rather a punishment. And I know many other women who have believed the same lie. I have a friend who when asked what she likes about being single laughed and said, “Not one thing.” Her words saddened my heart. We can find joy and contentment in singleness. We can live full lives for God as single women.
I know that seems impossible right now, but have hope that you will see singleness as a gift. In the past — the days when I fully embraced the gift of singleness were the days I felt like I was truly living for God. (more…)
Have you ever walked into a Christian event and scanned the room for your future spouse? With marriage on the brain, countless times I went to an event hoping to meet my husband. How distracting. I came to these events to meet God and spend time worshiping him. But what did I care most about? Looking for my future spouse.
Friends, marriage is not the answer. Marriage will not fix our problems or fill the hole in our hearts. Only Jesus has the power to heal us and fill our hearts. (more…)