Last month, I lived in anxiety wondering how in the world do I know if this is the man God wants me to date? I was paralyzed with uncertainties. I had met a man who loved Jesus, but did that mean we should date? I was uncertain if God was opening a door or if our meeting in an elevator was just a random occurrence. I was certain of one thing – I wanted to follow God’s will in this decision. Let’s be honest, figuring out God’s will in who to date seems daunting. How do we really know God’s will in who to date?
While I was trying to figure out if I should date him, I spent weeks praying, seeking guidance and trying to find answers in the Bible, yet I still did not know God’s will. Thankfully, in one of my seminary classes I learned a new model for decision making and the decision became clear. I want to share with you a new model of decision making when it comes to who to date. This model could be used with other major decisions as well.
If you are living in anxiety over a big decision, know that you are not alone, God cares and God will not let go of you.
3 Steps to Find God’s Will in Who to Date
1. What does scripture say?
The Bible does not answer every question we ask. The Word only shows what is right and wrong in certain areas, thus we should only consult the Bible in these areas. We often think the Bible is a magic book that answers everything, but in regards to dating, not much is said. Dating was not even a concept in Bible times. The most specific answer the Bible provides for who to date is to make sure that you are equally yoked. This means that as a Christian, you must date and marry another Christian.
“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14 (NIV).
So, ask yourself, is he a believer? If the answer is no, then you cannot date him. There is no grey area for this question. If the answer is yes, then move on to step 2.
2. Are there any moral reasons you should not date him?
Now is the time to look into your life and his life and to ask yourself if there is any moral reason you should not date. For example, if you are addicted to porn then you probably shouldn’t date, but instead you should work on that sin issue. It will be harder to examine his heart and to know if there are any moral reasons to not date him than to examine your own heart. For this reason, it is important to spend time getting to know each other in the context of friendship. Spend time with him in groups and see how he interacts with other women. What are your friends saying about him? Do they approve? Are they seeing any red flags?
If there is no moral reason to not date, then get excited – there is freedom in your decision! You now can choose freely if you want to date him. Do you have fun together? Could you see yourself together long term? Ladies, you can’t mess up God’s will. The Bible is not going to tell you if you should date this specific guy. Embrace the freedom that God has given you in this decision and remember that this is not a decision of right or wrong.
If he loves Jesus, if he is equally yoked with you and if there are no moral issues – you can freely choose to date him.
At this point, you still may be asking, but how do I know for sure that dating him is God’s will? What if I miss out on someone else? How do I know he is the one?
There are probably hundreds of believers on this planet that you could date. I believe that a man becomes “the one” the moment he becomes your husband. (Read why you can not miss out on “the one.”) With that being said, let’s continue to step 3.
3. Trust the God of the Bible to accomplish His plan.
Most of God’s plans are secret. We have to fearlessly trust in Him to accomplish His will. We can’t seek God’s individual will for our lives because God did not reveal them to us. God does have a will and a plan for each and every one of us, but most of the time it is secret.
If God is keeping secrets, it is not our role to figure them out. When God wants to be heard, he will make Himself heard.
Have you heard someone say that they want to make the right decision because they want to be at the center of God’s will? This is not possible. We can’t live at the center of God’s will because it’s a secret. Trust in Him friends. Trust that He knows what He is doing. He knows who you will date. He knows who you will marry.
So yes, take dating seriously. Pray and seek wise council, but don’t live in anxiety over your decision like I did. Enjoy the freedom that God has given you for this decision. Enjoy getting to know the man. Enjoy the moments of new experiences and feelings. I hope you find freedom from this post. I think a lot of believers want so badly to live for God that we stress ourselves out when it comes to decision making. Ladies, there is freedom and there is grace in decision making. And let me tell you, experiencing God’s freedom and grace in dating is a beautiful gift from God. Thank God for this gift and enjoy dating.
Do you know someone struggling with a big decision? Share this post with them!
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Sam
at (9 years ago)Awesome post my friend! Love the ease and clarity of this post as well as your constant reminder that we cannot screw up the will of God. Thanks for your awesome words.
joypedrow
at (9 years ago)Thanks Sam! It can be very stressful to try and find God’s will, but we cannot screw it up or miss it. How awesome is that. Glad to have you a part of the JP Ministry community.
Catherine
at (9 years ago)Hello Joy! What a wonderful post! It reminded me of times when God was with me through tough decisions.
Regarding Step 1, about being equally yoked: Do you think this could apply to a Christian who is maybe much younger in the faith than you?
For example, lets say I’ve been raised in church and have really devoted a lot of my life to knowing and loving Jesus, and I am very steadfast in my faith, and I meet a man who was just saved that year. That man is obviously not going to be on the same level spiritually as I am (Not to say that I would be a better or more amazing Christian in anyway, I just mean that I would be more seasoned? I hope this makes sense)… Do you think this applies to being unequally yoked?
I look forward to hearing back! Have a lovely day!
joypedrow
at (9 years ago)Hi Catherine!
Great question. There is no yes or no answer to this because I believe it varies from person to person. The fact that he is a new believer does not immediately discount him from dating you, but it does mean you may want to take longer to get to know him and make sure he wants to grow and is solid in his new faith. I read that the amount of time a person has been a believer or follower of Christ is not as important as to what a person has done in that time since proclaiming and giving their life to Christ. Do you notice a difference between his old self and new self?
Don’t discount him as not equally yoked because of the amount of time he has been a believer, instead get to know his heart and discover if he is ready to date. I hope this helps! Feel free to reach out with any other questions. =]
xoxo Joy
Colleen Ross
at (4 years ago)So you’re saying no interfaith relationships?
Chidera
at (4 years ago)Nice post
Rachel D.
at (9 years ago)Hi Joy 🙂
Thanks so much for the encouraging post ^_^ I really enjoyed reading it~ I have a question: there’s this guy that I like. He’s 4.5 years older than me and has already graduated college. He has spent a year in Ukraine doing missions work, and is going to graduate school in the fall of 2016. We’ve met in person and have messaged each other on FB a few times. I really really like him, and I think he has all of the qualities of a godly man I could see myself dating and eventually marrying. I would not be thinking of him in this light if I wasn’t sure that I could marry someone like him. The thing is, he doesn’t know that I’m interested in him. Do you think I should tell my parents that I’m interested in him? Or wait until I talk to him again before I tell him? Thanks so much for your advice hopefully 😀
xo Rachel
joypedrow
at (9 years ago)Hey Rachel, Great question!
In the Christian dating world, it is nice when the guys take the lead in sharing the feelings for the other and then eventually lead the relationship. Some guys need more time or he may be oblivious to the idea of you liking him. Every situation is different, but has he done anything or said anything that would show you he is interested in you? I don’t think you have to tell your parents, unless you both state that you like each other and want to pursue a dating relationship. Don’t rush or try and force anything that is not there. Remember, you can not mess up God’s will for your life. Be patient and see what happens. He sounds like a great guy!
You are loved.
xoxo
Joy
Kairah
at (9 years ago)As someone who is currently navigating the answer to this exact question, I loved your insight on how to approach the situation. Personally for me it hasn’t been a question as to if we’ve equally yoked (as we are both Christian) but where we each stand in regards to our personal relationships with God and whether or not we can grow in our faith together.
joypedrow
at (9 years ago)Hi Kairah, Great comment. I have found that getting to know his friends and spending time together in a group and alone has helped me discover that. You can be intentional in asking him how his relationship with God is doing. Ask him was God is teaching him, what he has been reading during his quiet times. Take your time and I believe you will either feel more confident in your relationship or not so much. I hope this helps! Feel free to reach out with any comments or questions.
Love, Joy
Sabrina Dickinson
at (9 years ago)Thank you for this post! I met a man back in October, a few months after my ex-husband left, and he has become my best friend. We both are Christian, we both went through devastating divorces which led us to create a stronger walk with Christ, we both have children and we both have the same common interests. What is funny, is I wanted to date him right away. He turned me down, of course, and said that he wasn’t ready to date and that he needed to focus on his walk with Christ. I respected that and decided that I need to do the same.
Our friendship has grown tremendously and our walks with Christ have improved so very much. We are each other’s best friend. Our kids are best friends. I have done a lot of praying, a lot of soul searching, a lot of opening up my heart to God and allowing his love to fill me.
I’m happy to say, my best friend and I just recently started dating a few weeks ago. I truly believe, in my heart, that this is the path that God wants us to walk down. We are both equally yoked, our kids mesh very well, we have so much fun together, we go to church together, pray together, worship together. I have yet to meet his friends but I have met his parents and one of his brothers and obviously I have met his kids.
I continue to pray about my relationship with him but I find that I feel very at peace with this decision to date and my hope is that this will turn into long term and then eventually forever.
joypedrow
at (9 years ago)Hi Sabrina, thanks for sharing your story with this blog community! I’m excited for you and this dating journey. It sounds like you are doing everything right to see if this is God’s will.
Jamie
at (9 years ago)Hi Joy! Thanks for posting, after a situation this past weekend I have been searching for some guidance and stumbled upon your post. My fiance and I have been engaged since last summer and things have been going pretty good, and a little rocky recebtly. We met at church and have regularly been attending aND involved at a church. Recently I found out he was lying about using weed. We went to a christian counseling session. Then this past weekend we went to a wedding and he drank too much and ended up spending an hour in the bathroom. Of course we were sitting with one of the people over me at work and one of the pastors at our church. I was so embarrassed, he had never done something like that before. The pastor approached me today and said he was concerned and told me to pray about staying with my fiance. I feel so torn and don’t know what to do. Obviously I did pray but I don’t even know how to sort through my emotions and the pastors words.
joypedrow
at (8 years ago)Hi Jamie,
Thanks for your comment and sharing that with me. How have things been since you posted? Have you prayed about? Talked with trusted friends and counselors about it? Hoe is your fiance’s relationship with Jesus? Have you been able to talk with him about what happened?
Lonely Lost girl
at (8 years ago)Hey Joy. I am looking for some spiritual Guidance here.
I was dating this guy. We were best friends for three years and were dating for almost 8 months. He loves God and we did daily bible verses and prayed together. My family loved him, I liked his family. We had good communication. We wanted the same things in life. And he could see himself marrying me and I could to honestly. But after 6 months i would get this voice and gut feeling to “break up with him.” It didn’t make any sense to me. I wondered if it was God but never got a why. I wondered if it was Satan getting in the way of a good thing. Or just me being afraid of the future and commitment. This was my first relationship as well and parts of it moved rather quickly. But I love him and I was trying to follow Gods will with the relationship. Anyway. I ignored it for two months. It got more and more persistent though. And I was at a conference thingy and spoke to on of the leaders there. She prayed and said she definitely felt like I was hearing from God. So I prayed and really tried to just listen. Again the voice said “break up, I have better planned for you. He can’t go where I’m taking you.” And I asked more questions and I was getting solid answers. I just knew that I needed to break up with him. I had this weird peace that I’m doing the right thing. And do I did, three weeks ago and I can’t stop wondering if I’m wrong? Did I just throw away something amazing because I’m afraid? But then I’m also like “no! This is God. That’s why you feel the weird peace right?” And I just don’t know what to do or think. He doesn’t agree with me that it was God and several people are calling me a liar. Are they right….? Please help.
joypedrow
at (8 years ago)Hi friend,
I’ve gone through a similar thing, so you’re not alone. Were there any red flags in the relationship? How is his relationship with God? It could have been the Holy Spirit telling you to break up or it could have been your own fear running from something good. How does your decision making process normally go? Do you run from things out of fear? If so, maybe you are running. Have you heard the Holy Spirit before with decisions? Can you ask godly men in his life about him? I would keep praying and keep seeking godly wisdom. The good news is that you can not miss God’s will for your life. If he wants you together or apart, it will happen. =]
Lonely Lost Girl
at (8 years ago)The only Red flags I could see was that we sometimes would push things physically. We never had sex but make out sessions could get close to pushing things too far. He loves God and is seeking for Gods will in his life. He is heavily involved in the children’s ministry department because he feels like God is using him there. We would pray together often and have deep discussions about bible passages and he would always remind me how God sees me when I was feeling insecure. I make decisions a lot of the time based on just gut feeling. When I can’t seem to argue with myself anymore. I don’t know if I’ve ever really heard God before. I mean I think so for little things. Like going to talk to that person or praying for someone. Nothing big like this… I think I sometimes do make decisions out of fear. I don’t know who I would ask really… :/
Anon
at (8 years ago)Step one is dogmatic, poorly considered, and close-minded. In that Bible verse, a non-believer is equated with darkness and wickedness. That implies to me that the verse isn’t referring to people who aren’t Christian, but rather to people who lack faith and charity. After all, Christians, Muslims, and Jews all believe in the God of Abraham and certainly would not be considered dark or wicked.
Ana
at (7 years ago)Hi Joy!
I recently found your blog and I can’t stop reading every new post. But specially about dating. I desesperaly need a guide.
I met a guy when I was really young 6 years ago. And last year we started talking again, everything was amazing he was an active Christian, but we lived far away. Then it came the oportunity that he could move for a semester in his college where I live. We met and it was great, but after a couple of months, we started with intimacy, whe didn’t have sex, but we felt terrible. Whe kept praying and nothing seemed to get better in that area. But then one day when we were making bad desicions again, and I started crying and telling him that what we where doing was wrong. And then I could feel that he was repented he started praying, and I could feel that it was real, then he confessed me that he was watching porn. I felt terrible I didn’t know what to say. I prayed for him and I could feel how he was experiencing the presence of God. Then We spoke and realized that was the problem, and he is so proactive in leaving that problem, we pray a lot, and we set really strict boundaries. Whe really want to get married in fact we have serious plans, we have told to my family and everything, he told me that I was an instrument of God for him, that in that night he realized that he was not living a real Christian life. And I don’t want to leave him I want to be there for him in his battle. But I don’t know what to do, I keep praying to know God’s will, but I don’t know what to do, I really feel that he is a knew man. But I don’t know I’m so confused. Please help me 🙁
joypedrow
at (7 years ago)Hi Ana,
I’m so glad God led you to my blog. Thank you for sharing your story with our community here. Has your boyfriend sought to find healing from his addiction? Has he shared this with other godly men in his life? Has he gone to recovery groups at your church? If he is seeking healing, that is a good sign. If he isn’t seeking healing, don’t expect the problem to suddenly disappear in marriage. In fact, once you’re married, his struggle could make your marriage really hard. I can tell that the Holy Spirit is working in your life and showing you some possible red flags about this relationship. I would urge you to not marry a man addicted to porn. I hope this was helpful. Let me know if I can help in any way. Praying for you and this hard and scary decision. Love, Joy
Jen
at (7 years ago)sis i think you are mistaken as pertains being at the centre of God’s will. Jesus told His desciples i call you friends because servants don’t know the master’s plans but you do. We are to know God’ s will for us and be at the centre of it. That just like living Holy is not impossible. The fullness of the entire plan we may not know but we should know what he wants us to do. after all how could he say unless you do the will of my Father you will not inherit the Kingdom. Especially as it pertains to finding a spouse here is where one really needs to have a relationship with the Lord to hear from Him and discern that the people in your life or the voice you are hearing or the dream you are getting is from God. if God has a detailed plan for us even number the hairs on our heads do you think that He would not have it planned too who we should marry, to have a soul tie with, to work with in the Kingdom? if He orchestrates and organises our lives sometimes to just meet one person to touch them how much more would he ensure that a spouse which can make or break your destiny is the right person. soul ties are serious things and i don’t believe God wants us to have that type of marital tie with any brother in church. Yes Paul said as long as they are in the Lord they may marry they sin not” but you need discernment because not everyone that says Christian or acts that eay truly is. There is freedom in making a choice in what you want to eat the hair products you use the deteegent you buy but i believe as pertains destiny there are certain things that you dont want to choose with your freedom so to speak. In that case you can marry anyone man church because they would fit the criteria you just mentioned. i think its understood that anyone checking these blogs are Christian and being unequally yoked is already known. so i think things to consider are do you as an individual know what your ministry is/what God has called you to do and does he know his because there is a spiritual purpose in marriage as the couple as a unit of Christians has work in the Lord to do so your ministries should line up per say as in one is called to missions and the other to establish and pastor a church. Not saying that that is an impossibility but its something to consider as you will be separated a lot which Paul also advised against. Also, what is God telling you. In your prayer closet what has the Lord revealed about this person and about tying your sould to them in marriage? when you ask the Lord He answers because He wants to give us every good thing and contrite heart He will not despise. Even if you are unsure God will confirm His word to you. you can even ask for specific confirmations and i say this from my experience because i was set on a guy and even one now who is Christian and God had told me no and to tell this one to seek the Lord because even though he is Christian he needs to grow some spiritually. so thats another thing is the guy you are looking at mature or maturing in Christ. is he teachable or does he have an “i know my theology you are beneath me” attitude. nevertheless i do agree that the anxiety associated with finding a spouse in general needs to be out the door. we should be resting in Christ. Jesus bless you and i hope Jesus continues to bless u and keep you and your family.
confused anon
at (6 years ago)Hi ,
I was scrolling through Pinterest having an anxiety attack about my fear of dying alone or always being alone and never getting the opportunity to have a family of my own (i’m 25), when your blog post popped up (ironically what i was looking at on pinterest wasn’t anything that would lead me to such stuff (ie i was looking at crafts).
I never use to really worry about dating and then at 23 , i meet a guy who I thought was a godly man, I had never dated prior, had never kissed a boy and instead had been working on my own issues which needed to be addressed before I could have a healthy relationship. I had worked through them, then i met this guy at church, he seemed kind and caring, he was very godly and he was very much respected and even worked for the church. We started as friends and then started to date, he very quickly turned to controlling, he controlled what I ate, who i would associate with, if i didn’t reply in time i would get in trouble, we would web cam while i did things like cooking and more than on one occasion he would be **** himself. He ended up sexually assaulting me. He then after i broke up with him started to turn up to my house , and wouldnt leave and trapped me in a corner. I lost all of my church friends as a result, because although i told no one, his side was taken over mine.
Since this has happened, i have been left with this horrible feeling of , i’m going to be alone, i won’t ever have anyone who would ever love me, the only person who ever liked me, he treated me like dirt and he didn’t like me , it’s made worse by the fact that one month after we broke up he was parading a new girl (this time she was 7 years younger than us) around church and they have stayed together since.
I have and am still in therapy for what happened to try and process the complexity of everything that happened. Weirdly enough when I wasn’t looking for anyone, i walked around a corner at church and walked straight into one of my friends, in that moment i very clearly heard God say , he is who you’re going to marry. Which i thought was odd, i had been friends with him for a year, and had never thought of him that way, i thought nothing of what i thoguht i heard God say , as i’m aware that generally were told that he doesn’t say those things. Time passed and i had my usual interactions with him but nothing out of the ordinary, then at the start of the year out of the blue he contacted me , we started to talk more and more and things progressed very naturally for the next six months, we went from hanging out in groups to hanging out just together , things seemed to feel as if they are progressing and then out of the blue , he sends me a messages saying hey we are just freinds. One month has passed and we’ve started again hanging out a bit more. I know as a person he is very uncertain about stuff in life at the moment. Things just felt so easy with him, i feel so stupid and once again like i’m alone. I’m confused about what happened. I was dwelling on all of this when i found this post.
I guess i’m just looking for some advice, as I really need some and am so confused. I have prayed every day since i was 12 that God would have someone set aside for me, i have prayed every day since i was assualted that God would protect my heart going ahead in new realtionships , that i would hand it over to him and let him take control, prior to walking around the corner into my friend, i felt i clearly heard god say, just wait as i do have someone prepared for you.
Nnow I just don’t know.
Helen
at (6 years ago)Hi, I know this may be a bit late but this post really spoke to me clearly and I wanted to say thank you! There are actually not a lot of Christian guys that I know of around me so I often would go to God asking about a guy that wasn’t even Christian. Now I know it really isn’t for the best. However there is this one Christian guy that I talk to sometimes and am starting to like. However he is a very extroverted flirty type with many girls. Is this a red flag to avoid him and could I be interested in him because he is one of very few Christian eligible guys I know? Nevertheless, he has a very strong faith and support system of a Christian family and is not afraid to speak about his faith in front of others and gets along well with his non Christian friends. Any wisdom you you could share would be great!